broken vs perfect

(something I shared with others last week) ... 

I bought a new car today. yay.  that means i can finally not worry about jumping it so frequently, getting it fixed so often, etc., and be able to use it to cart people around without worrying about it dying on me :-p.

However, something about having a new car made me uneasy as I was reflecting on today's events, and things I've been learning recently in the Lord.  

I think it's the comfort that makes me nervous.  

I've always seemed to be able to connect with sad movies, and broken people.  And as I think of giving up a broken down car, even though I've heard people say many times... jess when are you going to buy a new car?? I feel like staying broken keeps me more dependent.  And while in the world that may be a bad thing... with the Lord it is a good thing.  

I love the beat up saturn with the two dents, the glued mirror, the stained seats, the locks & fan that have a mind of their own... and the battery that works when it wants to.  

As I plunked around on the piano this evening, I was reminded of how drawn I am to broken people, to circumstances that are not quite perfect, to jeans with holes in them, and even the beat up saturn.  I was reminded how much I love people that even though are a little dirty, and wounded from the world, are people that are real.  Perfection in this life = falsehood.  If you have a perfect life on this earth, you are living in a false reality.  And because of this you cannot know the healing touch of Jesus, you cannot know the depths of His love, and the peace that surpasses all understanding.  

So even though, I do feel it was the Lord's will for me to get a new vehicle.  I feel as the Lord reminded me that comfort and wordly perfection in this world is not what we're after, we are after His Kingdom, & His righteousness, and the only way to get there is through brokenness.

it seems like so many have faced difficult circumstances lately... so many I've talked to recently are in this state of limbo, where we're all not quite sure of the next step in our lives.  

...But as we've been reminded through the many horrid news reports lately, this world is only getting darker, and we need to draw near to the Lord, and to His word and to brothers and sisters, that we might continue to be His light in this dark place.  

I know I've been really distracted lately... by being caught up in the hustle and bustle of work where the busyness never seems to end,... by my personal life and wondering what the Lord's will is there ... and just the endless distractions of the world.  I've just felt kinda disconnected from the Lord in some ways... but some of a brother's sharings this past weekend helped remind me that I'm here in Seattle for a purpose... to be His light.  And I need to not get so caught up in my present circumstances... but press on towards the goal in Christ Jesus.  To seek out His purpose in each day... and to live according to the grace He gives.       

I pray that as we face different challenges we can continue to encourage and build one another up in the Lord.  For His grace is sufficient for us, His power made perfect in weakness.  

May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

Eyes ahead.

I went snowboarding last week and it was the first time I went since last season.  So, I felt like I was relearning some things... i.e.  how to get off the lift without face-planting. ha.

It was my first time up the lift, I get to the top and I'm like oh no... don't fall... don't fall.  and then I get off and what's the first thing that happens?? i go for a little tumble. :-p.  The guy next to the lift was like, "Don't look at your snowboard, look at where you're going, and you won't fall"... I looked back and smiled at him and was like "thanks" in an embarrassed-type face.  He's like, "trust me I've been doing this for a while".

While I was embarrassed some... I sat there on the hill, getting my boot in the binding and thinking of the spiritual sense of that.  At that moment, it's like the Lord was convicting me of only looking at my circumstance and not looking ahead and what the bigger purpose was in my life.
It's sooo easy to just get caught up in the moment, in the emotions of life, and in the temporary ideas that pop into your head, or the impulsiveness that is pressed into us from the world.  Sometimes I get so caught up in all that's going on around me... the whirr of busyness... and surviving in the world.  But I forget the purpose for why I am here.

A brother came to share at our congregation recently, and he asked a few questions during one of his messages that really hit home for me and convicted me.  He asked.. did God bring you to Seattle?  Did He put you in the job or school you're at now?  Were you sent here by God?  Have you forgotten that you were sent here by God?  Have you forgotten His purpose for you here?  Do you know His purpose for you here?
  ... and I ask myself, "Am I living in the purpose that He has for me?"

How focused I am on figuring out my circumstances... surviving the rush of work, getting my house in order, making sure I can make it to all the church activities, and social events, getting addicted to online shopping, managing car issues and finances, while trying to figure out my personal life and still trying to keep my sanity and stay close to the Lord... which gradually begins to slip away as I get caught up in life's rush.                ...deep breath.

And then I speak with a brother this weekend who is ministering far away where he and his family are very literally persecuted, beaten, kidnapped, raped, and killed because of their faith, and their desire to spread the Word of the Lord.  And then hearing the previous brother share on the ministry of the Kingdom, and what our purpose is here.  To be Life, Light, and Love.... to a dark world.  Wow... what am I doing with my life?!

Where is my focus?? If it's down at my snowboard, I fall.  If it's ahead I see the bumps before I get there and I lower my stance a bit.  If I'm looking up I can steer away from other boarders and skiers as I make my way down the hill... and I can enjoy the ride so much more.

In our Christian Life, if we're always looking at our situation we are doomed to get caught in the trap of the world... and our life will always depend on the moment.  In this way our peace and our joy will be suffocated, and we will always find ourselves failing to grow in the Lord.

But if we lift our eyes upon the Lord, and look ahead at the goal He has shown to us.  If we draw near to Him we will be able to be prepared for whatever life throws at us, and still reside in His rest.  If we look towards the Goal of Christ and the coming Kingdom, and have our hearts set on what the Lord's heart is set on, we will learn to grow in Faith, and see the purpose in each day.

I may not understand everything that happens in my life and in the life of others... even as we see more and more tragedy these days.  But we press on towards the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus our Lord, knowing that God is working everything out for the good of those who are called according to His good purpose.

May we learn to commune all the more with our Lord, and in doing so, learn of His heart, and understand His calling for us in each day.

what kills me makes God stronger...

haha... my rendition of Kelly Clarkson's song... "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Seriously... what kills me makes God stronger.

...ever just reached a point of despair where you feel like you can't do it anymore?  Where you feel like you can't be strong anymore?
In different areas of my life, I feel like God has brought me here.  I've been trying to be strong and put on a good face, and convince myself that I would be ok.  But in reality, I do not feel ok a lot of the time.   Many times I feel like my strength is failing, my hope is wearing thin, my heart aches...and i'm just tired ..of putting up with the world, the struggles of the flesh, and just life in general.

and it's like God says.... FINALLY.   I've been waiting sooo long for you to finally get to this place... man you're a stubborn one.
...i always felt like i was a pretty passive one... but clearly the Lord knows our hearts, and how truly stubborn we can be when it comes to our own lives.

I was sharing with a sister a while back in regards to something that we have both been learning in this last year... that when we say "when we are weak, He is strong", and when it says "strength is made perfect in weakness" .... it's not that once we reach a point of weakness then God suddenly makes us strong.  It's that in that point of weakness, despite our lack of any sort of self-sufficiency...any goodness, or any strength... we say Lord I can't, You must.  ...note we don't get magically stronger, but God will still do it :).

Lets look at the whole of that verse...
   ..."But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I always like to interpret that... when I am weak, then I AM [is] strong.   :)

The thing is I could just be a sore sport sob story... and say i'm weak ... look at me, how wretched poor and blind I am, how much inability I have.  But the Lord does not ask us to do that... that would be remaining self-centered.  He asks us to look to Him.
... and when in our weakness, we look to Him to accomplish all that He is able to do.  Praise the Lord He is able to do, and does it!

... I don't say this because it is a concept in my head, ....but because it has become very real to me recently.  There was a day recently where I felt so weak and weary and felt unable to carry out my responsibility for that day, but the Lord reminded me to not trust in how I feel, but in the fact that He is able... and I tell you the truth...His grace was so incredibly real to me that day.  Praise be unto our King, who does much more than we can even ask or think.  He truly is victorious!
Now may we let Him be victorious over us. 

It is truly a lesson to learn to be content in every circumstance, one that I am still learning... but the Lord is starting to reveal bits of this secret... and I believe part of it has to do with abiding in His truth.  Learning to deny the feelings and convictions and understandings based on my own perception of reality, and lean on the truth, which is only found in Christ.  

May we "count it all joy" when we face trials... because He is conforming us to His image... and it is the will of the Father.  And this is a beautiful thing.  May we see with the eyes of Christ and know that our struggle is not in vain.  May we submit and let Christ have His way with us, that we might learn the contentment of being one with the Father's will, and learn in these time to hide in the shadow of His wings, and rest in His bosom.  

gnight.  :)

waiting...

a poem i found in my notes from last may...I added and adjusted some.  

Waiting for the adventures of life to unfold, 

wondering what stories will be told,

sometimes wishing that I could know the road.  

But in the mean time, I'll learn to hold,

...yes, I'll learn to hold on to You. 

In the mean time, I'll learn to set my gaze You.  

In the mean time, I'll cling solely to what is truth.

In the mean time, O, in the mean time...

...I'll come to learn that life's greatest adventure is found in You. 

So many days I'm putting my hope in things that will fade,

trying to grasp at something that is slipping away

waiting for the perfect life to show it's face

forgetting that perfection is only found in Your grace.  

I no longer have to wait...is what I've finally learned

I've already been given that for which my spirit yearns

My Savior's Life abundant, deep within me burns

but for one thing I wait, my precious Lord's return.  

_____

Waiting is not my favorite thing to do.  Lets be honest, who likes to wait?  But look to the book of Psalms, and you will find verse after verse after verse on waiting on the Lord...

"none who wait for you shall be put to shame" - Psalm 25:3

"for you I wait all the day long" - Psalm 25:5

"wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; and wait for the Lord!" - Psalm 27:14

"for God alone my soul waits in silence" - Psalm 62:1

"my soul waits for the Lord, more than the watchmen for the morning" - psalm 130:6

...and it other books...

"wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you"  - Proverbs 20:22

'but those who wait for the Lord, shall renew their strength..." - Isaiah 43:1

"the Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him." Lamentations 3:25

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation..." - Micah 7:7

"'Therefore, wait for Me', declares the Lord." - Zephaniah 3:8

"For through the spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness." - Galatians 5:5

"And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise." - Hebrews 6:15

...these are but a few, but is it talking about waiting for a certain event to happen or for the Lord to accomplish something grand??.. Not really, no.  It is waiting upon the Lord, waiting in the secret place to make himself known to us.  To wait upon someone is to attend to them.  To give them your attention.  The Lord desires our attention, because He wants to reveal so much to us and bringer into a fuller purpose of life, a life live out unto Him, and by Him and through Him.  But so often we get so caught up in our busy days... we hope in the things that will one day be taken from us... and secret place, that inner sanctuary... remains covered in dust.  Will we neglect this beautiful, wonderful invitation that was handed to us when Jesus took the nails for us?  To enter into his life and his glory?  Why neglect learning of Him?  He is the only one that offers peace.  He is truth and light, Love, righteousness, & holiness.  He defines these things and He desires that we come and learn of Him, spend time with Him, and wait before Him.  

...when we wait on the world ... we will receive temporary pleasures, new gadgets, friends, and of course death...for that is where all the temporary ends. 

 

When we wait on the Lord, He reveals more of his life in us, and we gain that which is eternal.  He supplies us with contentment, peace, joy, and vision.  He changes us into His likeness, and readies us for His coming again.  The God of this universe finds joy in revealing the secrets of His heart to us, and this what He does when we learn to sit before Him.  

...Is there really much of a choice here between the two?

      What/who are you waiting on?     

"And now O, Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you." - Psalm 39:4

Gratitude

pure

Sometimes I feel so blah when I leave work...
   ...i feel like it's dirtiness just sinks in and just leaves me longing for purity.
Today was one of those days...

As I was driving home, I felt the Lord placing this word in my heart... Pure. What does that mean?  How can I keep my way pure?  ...even in such a filthy world.

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word." - Psalm 119:9

I was reminded of the picture of these clear jewels that would make of the City of God in the Kingdom of Heaven.  When I came home I sat down at the piano, and was moved to play the song "Refiner's Fire".  As I played the song I was reminded that purity is not something that we just learn based off of habit or by rules we apply in our lives, but purity only happens when that which is not pure is burned away.  I feel as though purity and holiness lie hand in hand.  The Lord seems to be revealing to me that both happen with the process of sanctification. It is as we grow in the Lord and learn more and more to live by His word, and abide in Christ, and have daily lessons of the cross.  In these experiences, we learn of our failures, of the things we have not yet fully given up to God, we learn of our weakness, and we learn how to piece by piece let God take over all of our lives.  In doing this piece by piece we let the Lord purify us and let the cross deal with that which is not yet pure.  

I know for me... it's so easy to see my failure and right away just long for the complete purity and complete holiness and complete salvation to be a reality in me now.  But diamonds don't just come like pebbles on the beach.  They need intense pressure and heat and time even before they reach the earth's surface in order to become the hard clear gem that the world calls precious.

Yes, we all have days where we feel beaten and bruised from the world, sometimes dragged under... and sometimes just feel like we're not cut out to be a testimony of Christ.  But in these days... if we stop looking at ourselves...and we look to the Lord... and are willing to come to Him with a willing ear ready to learn, and surrender, and lay down who we are before ... no matter our number of failures.  In this He will find a useful vessel... and the struggle will not be in vain.

I found an incredible verse yesterday while reading through Job....
   "He delivers the afflicted by their affliction, and opens their ear by adversity" - Job 36:15    

...in difficult times, where we're faced with the filth of the world, and our own failures, may we learn to look to our Lord, and allow every struggle, every adversity... to open our ears to what He is trying to say to us, and what He is teaching us through it.
...In doing this we will learn the way of purity and holiness.

He is altogether different than me

I am reading through a book right now, called The School of Christ, by T. A. Sparks.  I was reading and rereading this one section in the beginning which talks about the "other-ness" of God.
"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD.
'For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"
-Isaiah 55:8-9

So often I think I can try and figure out how the Lord is going to works things out, but He has been reminding me and revealing to me that I cannot predict what is going to happen.  He is altogether different from me and His ways are not my ways.  A couple times recently I prayed for things and expected certain things to come of the prayers... thinking in this way it would lead me closer to Him... and God allowed the opposite to occur.  In my heart my intent was to draw nearer to the Lord, and to be undistracted by the stress of world and the temptations of the flesh.  But instead of making things easier, which I believed would help me draw nearer to Him, He made me face that which was even more difficult.
 ...which at first made me really frustrated.
          ...but in His wisdom through these things He brought me to a further place of desperation for my Lord, with a deeper longing for Him, and a heart that sought Him out more and more.
"in the anguish of childbirth, until Christ is formed in you" -Gal 6:19b

He truly longs for Christ to be formed in us.  For Christ to be fully revealed in us.  Crushing of my flesh and my soul must take place for this to become a reality.  I oftentimes think I know how God would make me into His image.  But in reality, I have not a clue, He is the master builder not I, He is the one working in me, not I.  He knows just the places that need chipping away at .. He knows just the times I need suffering to bring me back to Him, just the right amount of ache to keep me on my knees.
A brother once shared... "it is a good thing that this world is so terrible, otherwise we would grow too fond of it" ... the Lord beckons us; "Grow fond of Me..."


“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
    and backward, but I do not perceive him;
⁹ on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
    he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
¹⁰ But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold."
-Job 23:8-10

His ways are truly altogether different from mine... but they are indeed higher.  I do not know, but I pray he helps me trust His thoughts.  I do not see, but I pray that I can trust in Him to be my Vision.
I pray that whatever must me done to make me like Him, would be done.
May we have this heart as the Lord Jesus, "Not my will, but Thine be done".
Have Thine own way in us Lord, that You might be exalted in our lives and in your Church, that Christ might be formed in us.

true consecration

I came to the piano to sit and play through some worship songs this evening, and was just blessed to be in the Lord's presence.  It seems that often times this is the place the Lord seems to help me sort through the worries and commotion in my brain and process the different experiences I've faced in the past few days.  

It was in this time after a rough couple of weeks at work and not enough sleep... that I was able to again reflect and see the Lord's goodness and faithfulness ... even when things to us look somewhat cloudy, and when i've felt that it was difficult to press on... the Lord has given so much grace.  

After such a refreshing meeting with the body of Christ today, and a rekindling of the theme of consecration...I was reminded when I was playing through some hymns, that the Lord wants full control.  Often times when I say I'm giving something up to the Lord, I may let it go in a physical sense, and outwardly look as if it's not bothering me... but often times I still let these things plague my mind and my heart.  And I've realized that this is not true consecration, because true consecration is followed by peace.  

When I've truly given something up to the Lord, I have known great freedom afterwards, and have been filled with joy and peace, because in replace of whatever I've given to the Lord, I receive more of the Lord himself... and what a blessing that is!

But when I say to the Lord ...here you can have this... and then continue to let it rule over my decisions... i.e. how I spend my money.  Or if I say oh yes Lord, I do need to give my future up to you... and continue to analyze and try to figure how everything is going to pan out.  These ways are not true consecration.  

A brother in the Lord once shared, Isaac was not just a wee lad when he went on the alter, he was probably a young strapping man, and could have easily overtaken his father, Abraham, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.  But Isaac must have had to have known what was going on in some sense, and was willing to have his hands bound by his father... and willing to go to the alter, and in doing so he helped Abraham obey the Lord. 

Are we willing to have our hands bound by the father, and go to the alter without argument?

If not, may the Lord teach us how to say "Lord, make me willing" as our brother F.B. Meyer said to the Lord when he was not able to give up to the Lord something that was very special to him.  

In true consecration we find that once we give up control we are blessed with such freedom in the Lord.  When we go through our lives point by point and lay each part of our decisions, and how we spend our time,  how we spend out money, giving up our future, and where we choose to meet for church gatherings, giving up the right to our job, and a perfect family, and letting go of the worldly influences we've let into our lives.  When we bring these things before the Lord one by one, and truly consecrate them to the Lord...it's like the chains that the world has on our limbs are gradually loosed... so we have one part of us that is for Jesus only, Jesus ever and then we give up something else and another part is freed to be for Jesus only, Jesus ever.       

This sounds hard, but once it is done... the blessing of having more of the Lord is beyond your wildest dreams worth it. He is soo good.  and He is more than enough.  What a wonderful Lord is Jesus my King.  :)

May we learn to lay it all down and let it go to the alter... that the Life of Christ might be Lord in us, and that we might know more of His presence.  :)

"Therefore, I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship" - Romans 12:1

the desert

so many friends have been going through a time in their life lately where they have felt like God has pulled them out into the wilderness.  a so-called long and windy road to the promised land.  so many seem to be experiencing this pull from the Lord to get out of the world, and to just come and be alone with the Lord.  A place full of uncertainty, full of questions, full of our own attempts to satisfy this longing within for something more...  

in my own life the Lord has challenged me recently to give up some things that I have held on to for too long.  To give up my expectations of how my life is going to turn out, and to learn to be satisfied with the Lord, even if He is  all I ever receive, is He enough?

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
        My hope is in You" - Psalm 39:7

He's also challenging me to simplify my life, to put away the overkill of technology, put away the time wasted doing things that have no eternal value, and to learn to take more time to sit before Him, take more time searching His word, and focusing on what His purpose is in each day, learning to not forsake the little things he asks of us.  

...when the israelites were in the desert, they had 2 certainties, 1 - that when they woke up every day, there would be manna there for them to collect, and  2 - the pillar of cloud/fire would always lead them to their next place.  But what caused them to stumble time and time again... is when they sought out egypt, when they saught things that were more pleasing to the eye and fulfilling to the senses, like the golden calf.  They got caught on complaining because they did not trust the Lord.  They had no vision of the promised land, and started getting tired of waiting for the Lord to act.

Do we get tired of waiting for the Lord to act?  Honestly?

... you know why this is?   .. it seems to me that this is because we are waiting for the blessings of God, and not actually waiting on the Lord Himself.  For if we were to wait upon the Lord Himself, we would know His satisfaction.  As a friend recently reminded me of a hymn "once it was the blessing, now it is the Lord" (http://www.biblebelievers.com/simpson-ab_himself.html).

It is a hard thing to go through the desert in our Christian walk.  It feels alone, it feels deprived of "good feelings", it feels lacking in revival... and at times the light seems dim.  But every day the Lord gave the israelites manna, and He lead them by the cloud/fire, and this was certain.  This is also certain for us that He will provide us with Himself, the bread of Life, and He will be our portion for each day.  And he promises to lead us and tell us to move when the time is right (note that the timing is not always when we think it should be).
He will not leave is us in the desert, but this time is so very much needed in our Christian life.  We need to learn to be set apart from the world, we need to learn to be attracted to the Lord without all the blessings, and learn to know the Lord as our portion, our one true Blessing.  Is this not a true test of our faith?  When everything else is pulled out from under us... are we still seeking the face of our Lord?  ..."to whom else shall we go?" -john 6:68
...and when we come into fellowship with our glorious Lord, how precious it becomes to sit at His feet and wait before Him like Mary did.  To listen to his voice, and to know our God, who defines love.  His voice penetrates all the stuff that we've built up as our "protection" as our "security" as our "hope" ... and He shows us by His gentle hand that He Is ENOUGH, and so much MORE than enough.  He is the overflowing fountain that wells up within us when deep calls unto deep.

..so may we not be discouraged that the Lord brings us into the desert because of His love for us.  So that we might depart from all that is all is of the flesh and of the world and enter into all that is good and right and pure and loving and just and holy, etc... that which is of God and is everlasting and with purpose.

May we learn to eat of his manna and be filled and wait for his word before we move.

the love of God

"The love of God is greater far

1. Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
   It goes beyond the highest star,
   And reaches to the lowest hell;
   The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
   God gave His Son to win;
   His erring child He reconciled,
   And pardoned from his sin.
   • Refrain:
     Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
     How measureless and strong!
     It shall forevermore endure—
     The saints’ and angels’ song.
2. When hoary time shall pass away,
   And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
   When men who here refuse to pray,
   On rocks and hills and mountains call,
   God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
   All measureless and strong;
   Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
   The saints’ and angels’ song.
3. Could we with ink the ocean fill,
   And were the skies of parchment made,
   Were every stalk on earth a quill,
   And every man a scribe by trade;
   To write the love of God above
   Would drain the ocean dry;
   Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
   Though stretched from sky to sky."

"Verse 3 was penciled on the wall of a narrow room in an insane asylum by a man said to have been demented. The profound lines were discovered when they laid him in his coffin."

_________________________

in the last month, I have just felt overwhelmed by the Love of the Lord.  I realized over and over again, how the Lord's work of the cross in our lives, is really a work of His great love.  And in everything He's drawing us closer and closer to the center of Himself.  how glorious!  

...today I was thinking about our attempt at saving this world from poverty.... but if you go to Uganda, one of the poorest nations... you'll see some of the happiest people. In reality, we need to be saved from our wealth.   ... what we have backwards is that trials are bad.  that fires are to be fought with all our strength, and that we must do our best to avoid that which brings us to a place of discomfort.  

...but what if the fires burn away the dross?  What if it purifies the vessel? what if it brings this world out of complacency and darkness and brings us into the fullness of the love of God?                        

                           ...may we not despise the cross.  For it is our saving grace.  

not only Jesus' dying on the cross, but the cross working out in our lives is our daily salvation.  it saves us from ourselves, from the world, and brings us into the fullness of God that we were called to live in that Christ might be "all and in all".  

the world says there can't be a God because of all the suffering that they see... but look within the suffering and chaos... and you will find those who feel more loved than the most wealthy celebrity, and the most powerful politician.  In pain and darkness, we come to know the depths of the Father's love.  And how incredibly wonderful it is.  who would choose any other way?! this is the way of love, oh how blessed it is to walk in it!  Come rain or shine, my Father's love constrains me to answer His call.  

vision with tears...

i feel as though I need to write out the turmoil that has invaded my heart, and the reality that the Lord has revealed to me.  Today, the Lord opened my eyes... and I felt just a small piece of the pain that he must feel a billion times over, when he sees us, us being the people that roam the earth.  

I was at work today... a rather slow day, where we actually had time to sit around and talk to each other as coworkers.  I was at the computer when I overheard a conversation about how someone felt that they were being treated unfairly, and were comparing themselves to others and talking about how they had the rights to certain things that weren't given to them, and so on and so forth, with another employee agreeing with them and spurring them on.  I don't know why this day stood out, because conversations happen like this all the time at work, where someone is complaining about someone else... or complaining about conditions and such (and i cannot say that i've never been one of them).  But by some grace of God, I remembered the Lord Jesus as I overheard this conversation ... and I wanted to cry right then and there.  

We are soo soo soo selfish.  And we are always fighting for our rights, fighting for what we believe we deserve... fighting for our own freedom ... and fighting so that once we win one battle, we can go fight another one... so that we can become even more selfish.  

How can our Maker look down on the people he gave life to and not cry?   

HE is the CREATOR, the KING, the One who is ALL DESERVING.  The One who had every right to abandon us, to let us wallow in our pity, and to sink in our sin.  

BUT, He chose to love us, and not just as one friend loves another, but He gave up His very rights.  He gave up what we would fight for today.  He gave up His throne, His glory, His position, and He even gave up his freedom, and the God of this world was bound by chains made by men, and was beaten, whipped, cursed at and spit on, He was forced to carry the very cross he would be hung on to die up the hill called Calvary.  Why did He do this?  Because He looked at us and loved us, even in our sin.  He looked at us and saw that if He gave up Himself we might be freed, and be able to live new life through Him, not one drowned by our own sin and selfishness and death.  He saw that in this way, He could reclaim His beloved, and bring us back into His bosom where we might known rest and peace, and grace, and receive His eternal life. 

We are so often fighting for our own rights.  BUT when are we fighting for HIS rights.  The rights that the Lord has in our lives here and now.  He gave us HIS ALL, and we receive it so light heartedly, and then go back to fighting so hard for what we want, and what we believe we're entitled too.  

You know what we're entitled to?? DEATH.  Period. We do not deserve any better.  

We cannot do anything to better ourselves.  We have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  period. 

Oh that the world would see and know how wretched and poor and blind we are!

and Oh that we would see the grace the Lord has lavished upon us!! 

MAY WE WAKE UP AND SEE!  Oh how we are in desperate need of the Savior, the Lord Jesus.

He has blessed us so much that He has offered to share His inheritance with us.  May the Lord help us to willingly enter into it.   May we let Him bless us with all the spiritual blessings in Christ.  May we experience His riches and know His unfathomable love.  When we fight for ourselves we are boxing the air, and just wasting energy.  But when we stand in Christ, we need not fight, but simply rest in the victory that He has already won for us.  Hallelujah!  May we see this and be freed!   

"But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. For this reason it says,

            “Awake, sleeper, 

              And arise from the dead, 

               And Christ will shine on you.”

 -Ephesians 5:13-14      

sit with Me

some days like today ... i have this thirst within me that i think needs to be filled with friends or family ... or sleep... or good feelings.  but at the end of the day.... i've realized it's just the Lord trying to draw me to Himself, and only sitting in His presence is what can satisfy me.    ...something which it seems everything around me is fighting against.  why is it so hard to sit before the Lord, and commune with Him as friend with friend?

sometimes i feel that my problem is loneliness, and i just need a buddy to solve my problems ... but sometimes even after spending a day speaking with hundreds of people... some of them close friends...i still feel lacking.   today I just appreciated being alone.
...not just alone, but alone before God.

I thought it was just my introvertedness making a comeback, but honestly I think it's just the lack of true communing fellowship with my heavenly Father.

even in our fellowship this week, we talked about remembering that Jesus is a person, and that like any other person a relationship with Him needs to be cultivated.  I pray that I would not view cultivating a relationship with my Lord Jesus as a chore, but as a blessed joy, and full of wonder, as in seeing just a glimpse of Him has changed my life, should I then become so dull and half-hearted??... and become satisfied with knowing just the smallest part of the fullness of God?  May my prayer be to ever long to know more of my Lord.

I pray that this would be my prayer, as our brother prays:
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ name, Amen"
-Following Hard After God, The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer

The Father calls us to come and sit with Him.  That we might know the depths of His love, and learn of His nature, and come to know His heart's desires.  May we learn to sit with the Lord, and experience this great revelation of Himself, in the simplicity and likeness of a Father and child.

surprises

so today, I finally got out around the lake, and was able to get some exercise in, which hasn't happened for awhile, so I was glad to, and was excited to try out my new minimalist running shoes, which were pretty fun... but definitely increased soreness to the calves afterwards :p.

After running for a bit, I grew pretty tired and out of breath, and I walked for a bit.  the lake is always so pretty when the sun is out, and especially around sunset, so I stopped and walked a bit closer to the lake (further from the path) to stop and appreciate the beauty of some birds resting on the water, and the pretty scenery behind them.  But just as I was about to try and take a picture, this huge bird came out of no where and startled all of the birds... and myself, I wasn't quick enough with the phone to capture the moment, all I saw was the glorious white head and tail of this eagle.  He then swooped up and rested on a high branch nearby, and I could not help but follow him.  Something about the bald eagle just captured me, and brought a smile to my face... and gave me a little hope.  :)

When I started walking/running again, I pondered about this some, and I was reminded how some things in life are so unexpected... ....yet we cannot wait around for them to happen, because we may never know if or when they will.  Our position should simply be to follow the Lord, and He may bring unexpected things that may surprise us in a good way or things may come up suddenly that discourage us.  But either way, we must learn to live in the here and now, and trust that the Lord will always lead us into what is perfect, and that which will bring Him glory.  And he has promised to never leave or forsake us.  My life may change, and the unexpected may occur or not occur, but that is not for me to dwell on.  I must learn to dwell always on my Lord, and not put hope in false expectations, but put my hope in Him, for He never changes, and loves us so dearly that He gave himself up. 

thanks to a friend who reminded me of this verse after seeing this shot. 

"Even youths grow tired and weary,

   and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD 

   will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

   they will run and not grow weary, 

   they will walk and not be faint."

-Isaiah 40:30-31

when i lose this life...

I was listening to a Chris Tomlin song on the way home and this line always seems to jump out at me... "if this life i lose i will follow you", in all it's heroicness (yea i think i made up that word), and it's implication that whatever happens in this life I will still follow the Lord.  Which seems very much to be correct...

But the Lord seemed to speak to me in this... He was saying... it is not IF you lose this life, it is WHEN.
...it's not that I'm only here to bring you out of the pit when you fall into it, but my purpose in working in your life is to show you that you must lose it.  So oftentimes i will let you sit in the pit for a while until you realize you need to let go of your life and submit.


I was in a hurry to bring some things in to a meeting tonight, and while i had my hands full, i accidentally dropped my keys in the front seat of my car after i had locked the doors from the inside... only to find out later when someone was trying to pull out from behind me that i was not going to be able to get into my car without some serious breaking in or AAA.
...this is not the first time this has happened.  But the people pleasing side of me gets so frustrated with myself because i caused others inconvenience and i just hate making other people unhappy (which no one seemed to be really, but still the thought of it).  So many times through the last few years there have been so many times where i've made stupid mistakes... like little things... just enough to drive me nuts... not so much the people around me... but it's like the Lord knows exactly what we need to break us of ourselves, and bring us to the point of letting our lives go.

I'm sooo consumed with the horizontal and so often forget the eternal... i focus on my own mistakes and my own capabilities instead of fixing my eyes upon Jesus.  Of course I'm going to continue tripping unless i look up and look away to Jesus instead of on man.  For my life is an offering unto Him and no one else, for I belong to Him.

if we are pursuing the Lord, we will all, at the end, lose our life... because in the end it will be all Christ, no ifs, ands, or buts, everything else will be consumed by fire.  The question becomes then... how long will it take us to give it up and submit... are we going to keeping fighting it?  Or are we going to submit and let the inevitable happen now, so that the Lord can bring more blessing through our lives, and let us be more useful to Him now!

Praise the Lord this is possible with the Lord's grace and a heart that cries "Lord make me willing!".

debridement of a wound.

i had a revelation this morning... it seemed to explain the craziness going on in my head and in my heart ... and in the church lately.

it seems that the Lord has been doing a great pruning in my heart and in His church, a very good, but very painful work.

I just went to a class about wound care the other day, and I was reminded of the painful process it is to debride and clean out a wound.  Usually unless a patient has severe neuropathy to begin with (which often results in loss of feeling in that extremity), you would give someone pain medicine before cleaning the wound.  sometimes cleaning out a wound needs surgery...
... the process being cutting away the dead tissue, and cleaning out all the excretions that could otherwise lead to a systemic (whole body) infection and just prevent the wound from healing.

...but when you clean out the wound ... and remove all of this excess matter, and all this dirt, and deadness... it gives the opportunity for new cells, and essentially new life to grow, that the wound may be healed, and the body may return to it's natural state.

anyone see where I'm going with this?  Isn't it a beautiful analogy?

it feels like in my own life, the Lord is doing this purging work of the things that are not of Him, and in Church-life sometime we would get so discouraged... because there are less people, or is this lack of excitement for the Lord's way... but the Lord has really been showing me to lift up my head... and see this glorious work of debridement of the many wounds this world has given  to the Church.

sometimes the Lord has to tear down to rebuild... see we built the church in the way we thought it should be... and then got discouraged cuz it wasn't working... and then we finally came to the Lord in desparation... and He's like ok, now I can work... but I gotta tear down this thing you built first, and do a purifying work among you.  I need to clean out the junk... and bring you into holiness, because that is what is acceptable in My sight.

Praise the Lord!! He is working!!  Let us not be discouraged!  how he needs to rip our hearts out and replace them with His.  dead tissue cannot be changed... it is dead and cannot be revived... it must be removed for new Life, in this case the Life of Jesus to be manifested in His church.

So Lord, do you work.  We are willing. Purge the junk, and glorify Your name in our midst.
 

what really matters?

there's something about unexpected events... and uncertainty ... and fear of the unknown.

it brings us running back to the Lord and clinging to His waist, like a child to his/her Father.  It's in these times, that the time spent with the Lord seems so precious.  It's like I don't want to be anywhere but sitting at the feet of my Lord digging in to His Word.

sometimes i am so unsure of what I really want in life.  people ask me what specialty in nursing I want to end up in eventually, or where I would like to settle down... or how many kids I would want.  honestly, I just want what the Lord wants.  And I want to walk in His presence, and never leave His side.  Wherever that leads is where I want to be.  And it seems that most of the time, the Lord would leave future events clouded ... as if we are looking through the foggy glass...

does it really matter where we end up?  what degree?  what job we have?  what house or car we have?  what country we live in?  how many children we have? how many friends we accumulate?  how many numbers we have in our paycheck?  does this really all matter??

but what really matters.... are we walking with the Lord?  are we walking according to His will for us? Are we walking with our vision fixed on His kingdom?

That's what really matters.  may we cling to our Lord, and delve into His Word, and walk closely by His side, leaning in His everlasting arms, trusting in His wisdom for each and every day.