broken vs perfect

(something I shared with others last week) ... 

I bought a new car today. yay.  that means i can finally not worry about jumping it so frequently, getting it fixed so often, etc., and be able to use it to cart people around without worrying about it dying on me :-p.

However, something about having a new car made me uneasy as I was reflecting on today's events, and things I've been learning recently in the Lord.  

I think it's the comfort that makes me nervous.  

I've always seemed to be able to connect with sad movies, and broken people.  And as I think of giving up a broken down car, even though I've heard people say many times... jess when are you going to buy a new car?? I feel like staying broken keeps me more dependent.  And while in the world that may be a bad thing... with the Lord it is a good thing.  

I love the beat up saturn with the two dents, the glued mirror, the stained seats, the locks & fan that have a mind of their own... and the battery that works when it wants to.  

As I plunked around on the piano this evening, I was reminded of how drawn I am to broken people, to circumstances that are not quite perfect, to jeans with holes in them, and even the beat up saturn.  I was reminded how much I love people that even though are a little dirty, and wounded from the world, are people that are real.  Perfection in this life = falsehood.  If you have a perfect life on this earth, you are living in a false reality.  And because of this you cannot know the healing touch of Jesus, you cannot know the depths of His love, and the peace that surpasses all understanding.  

So even though, I do feel it was the Lord's will for me to get a new vehicle.  I feel as the Lord reminded me that comfort and wordly perfection in this world is not what we're after, we are after His Kingdom, & His righteousness, and the only way to get there is through brokenness.

it seems like so many have faced difficult circumstances lately... so many I've talked to recently are in this state of limbo, where we're all not quite sure of the next step in our lives.  

...But as we've been reminded through the many horrid news reports lately, this world is only getting darker, and we need to draw near to the Lord, and to His word and to brothers and sisters, that we might continue to be His light in this dark place.  

I know I've been really distracted lately... by being caught up in the hustle and bustle of work where the busyness never seems to end,... by my personal life and wondering what the Lord's will is there ... and just the endless distractions of the world.  I've just felt kinda disconnected from the Lord in some ways... but some of a brother's sharings this past weekend helped remind me that I'm here in Seattle for a purpose... to be His light.  And I need to not get so caught up in my present circumstances... but press on towards the goal in Christ Jesus.  To seek out His purpose in each day... and to live according to the grace He gives.       

I pray that as we face different challenges we can continue to encourage and build one another up in the Lord.  For His grace is sufficient for us, His power made perfect in weakness.  

May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

Eyes ahead.

I went snowboarding last week and it was the first time I went since last season.  So, I felt like I was relearning some things... i.e.  how to get off the lift without face-planting. ha.

It was my first time up the lift, I get to the top and I'm like oh no... don't fall... don't fall.  and then I get off and what's the first thing that happens?? i go for a little tumble. :-p.  The guy next to the lift was like, "Don't look at your snowboard, look at where you're going, and you won't fall"... I looked back and smiled at him and was like "thanks" in an embarrassed-type face.  He's like, "trust me I've been doing this for a while".

While I was embarrassed some... I sat there on the hill, getting my boot in the binding and thinking of the spiritual sense of that.  At that moment, it's like the Lord was convicting me of only looking at my circumstance and not looking ahead and what the bigger purpose was in my life.
It's sooo easy to just get caught up in the moment, in the emotions of life, and in the temporary ideas that pop into your head, or the impulsiveness that is pressed into us from the world.  Sometimes I get so caught up in all that's going on around me... the whirr of busyness... and surviving in the world.  But I forget the purpose for why I am here.

A brother came to share at our congregation recently, and he asked a few questions during one of his messages that really hit home for me and convicted me.  He asked.. did God bring you to Seattle?  Did He put you in the job or school you're at now?  Were you sent here by God?  Have you forgotten that you were sent here by God?  Have you forgotten His purpose for you here?  Do you know His purpose for you here?
  ... and I ask myself, "Am I living in the purpose that He has for me?"

How focused I am on figuring out my circumstances... surviving the rush of work, getting my house in order, making sure I can make it to all the church activities, and social events, getting addicted to online shopping, managing car issues and finances, while trying to figure out my personal life and still trying to keep my sanity and stay close to the Lord... which gradually begins to slip away as I get caught up in life's rush.                ...deep breath.

And then I speak with a brother this weekend who is ministering far away where he and his family are very literally persecuted, beaten, kidnapped, raped, and killed because of their faith, and their desire to spread the Word of the Lord.  And then hearing the previous brother share on the ministry of the Kingdom, and what our purpose is here.  To be Life, Light, and Love.... to a dark world.  Wow... what am I doing with my life?!

Where is my focus?? If it's down at my snowboard, I fall.  If it's ahead I see the bumps before I get there and I lower my stance a bit.  If I'm looking up I can steer away from other boarders and skiers as I make my way down the hill... and I can enjoy the ride so much more.

In our Christian Life, if we're always looking at our situation we are doomed to get caught in the trap of the world... and our life will always depend on the moment.  In this way our peace and our joy will be suffocated, and we will always find ourselves failing to grow in the Lord.

But if we lift our eyes upon the Lord, and look ahead at the goal He has shown to us.  If we draw near to Him we will be able to be prepared for whatever life throws at us, and still reside in His rest.  If we look towards the Goal of Christ and the coming Kingdom, and have our hearts set on what the Lord's heart is set on, we will learn to grow in Faith, and see the purpose in each day.

I may not understand everything that happens in my life and in the life of others... even as we see more and more tragedy these days.  But we press on towards the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus our Lord, knowing that God is working everything out for the good of those who are called according to His good purpose.

May we learn to commune all the more with our Lord, and in doing so, learn of His heart, and understand His calling for us in each day.

what kills me makes God stronger...

haha... my rendition of Kelly Clarkson's song... "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Seriously... what kills me makes God stronger.

...ever just reached a point of despair where you feel like you can't do it anymore?  Where you feel like you can't be strong anymore?
In different areas of my life, I feel like God has brought me here.  I've been trying to be strong and put on a good face, and convince myself that I would be ok.  But in reality, I do not feel ok a lot of the time.   Many times I feel like my strength is failing, my hope is wearing thin, my heart aches...and i'm just tired ..of putting up with the world, the struggles of the flesh, and just life in general.

and it's like God says.... FINALLY.   I've been waiting sooo long for you to finally get to this place... man you're a stubborn one.
...i always felt like i was a pretty passive one... but clearly the Lord knows our hearts, and how truly stubborn we can be when it comes to our own lives.

I was sharing with a sister a while back in regards to something that we have both been learning in this last year... that when we say "when we are weak, He is strong", and when it says "strength is made perfect in weakness" .... it's not that once we reach a point of weakness then God suddenly makes us strong.  It's that in that point of weakness, despite our lack of any sort of self-sufficiency...any goodness, or any strength... we say Lord I can't, You must.  ...note we don't get magically stronger, but God will still do it :).

Lets look at the whole of that verse...
   ..."But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I always like to interpret that... when I am weak, then I AM [is] strong.   :)

The thing is I could just be a sore sport sob story... and say i'm weak ... look at me, how wretched poor and blind I am, how much inability I have.  But the Lord does not ask us to do that... that would be remaining self-centered.  He asks us to look to Him.
... and when in our weakness, we look to Him to accomplish all that He is able to do.  Praise the Lord He is able to do, and does it!

... I don't say this because it is a concept in my head, ....but because it has become very real to me recently.  There was a day recently where I felt so weak and weary and felt unable to carry out my responsibility for that day, but the Lord reminded me to not trust in how I feel, but in the fact that He is able... and I tell you the truth...His grace was so incredibly real to me that day.  Praise be unto our King, who does much more than we can even ask or think.  He truly is victorious!
Now may we let Him be victorious over us. 

It is truly a lesson to learn to be content in every circumstance, one that I am still learning... but the Lord is starting to reveal bits of this secret... and I believe part of it has to do with abiding in His truth.  Learning to deny the feelings and convictions and understandings based on my own perception of reality, and lean on the truth, which is only found in Christ.  

May we "count it all joy" when we face trials... because He is conforming us to His image... and it is the will of the Father.  And this is a beautiful thing.  May we see with the eyes of Christ and know that our struggle is not in vain.  May we submit and let Christ have His way with us, that we might learn the contentment of being one with the Father's will, and learn in these time to hide in the shadow of His wings, and rest in His bosom.  

gnight.  :)

waiting...

a poem i found in my notes from last may...I added and adjusted some.  

Waiting for the adventures of life to unfold, 

wondering what stories will be told,

sometimes wishing that I could know the road.  

But in the mean time, I'll learn to hold,

...yes, I'll learn to hold on to You. 

In the mean time, I'll learn to set my gaze You.  

In the mean time, I'll cling solely to what is truth.

In the mean time, O, in the mean time...

...I'll come to learn that life's greatest adventure is found in You. 

So many days I'm putting my hope in things that will fade,

trying to grasp at something that is slipping away

waiting for the perfect life to show it's face

forgetting that perfection is only found in Your grace.  

I no longer have to wait...is what I've finally learned

I've already been given that for which my spirit yearns

My Savior's Life abundant, deep within me burns

but for one thing I wait, my precious Lord's return.  

_____

Waiting is not my favorite thing to do.  Lets be honest, who likes to wait?  But look to the book of Psalms, and you will find verse after verse after verse on waiting on the Lord...

"none who wait for you shall be put to shame" - Psalm 25:3

"for you I wait all the day long" - Psalm 25:5

"wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; and wait for the Lord!" - Psalm 27:14

"for God alone my soul waits in silence" - Psalm 62:1

"my soul waits for the Lord, more than the watchmen for the morning" - psalm 130:6

...and it other books...

"wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you"  - Proverbs 20:22

'but those who wait for the Lord, shall renew their strength..." - Isaiah 43:1

"the Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him." Lamentations 3:25

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation..." - Micah 7:7

"'Therefore, wait for Me', declares the Lord." - Zephaniah 3:8

"For through the spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness." - Galatians 5:5

"And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise." - Hebrews 6:15

...these are but a few, but is it talking about waiting for a certain event to happen or for the Lord to accomplish something grand??.. Not really, no.  It is waiting upon the Lord, waiting in the secret place to make himself known to us.  To wait upon someone is to attend to them.  To give them your attention.  The Lord desires our attention, because He wants to reveal so much to us and bringer into a fuller purpose of life, a life live out unto Him, and by Him and through Him.  But so often we get so caught up in our busy days... we hope in the things that will one day be taken from us... and secret place, that inner sanctuary... remains covered in dust.  Will we neglect this beautiful, wonderful invitation that was handed to us when Jesus took the nails for us?  To enter into his life and his glory?  Why neglect learning of Him?  He is the only one that offers peace.  He is truth and light, Love, righteousness, & holiness.  He defines these things and He desires that we come and learn of Him, spend time with Him, and wait before Him.  

...when we wait on the world ... we will receive temporary pleasures, new gadgets, friends, and of course death...for that is where all the temporary ends. 

 

When we wait on the Lord, He reveals more of his life in us, and we gain that which is eternal.  He supplies us with contentment, peace, joy, and vision.  He changes us into His likeness, and readies us for His coming again.  The God of this universe finds joy in revealing the secrets of His heart to us, and this what He does when we learn to sit before Him.  

...Is there really much of a choice here between the two?

      What/who are you waiting on?     

"And now O, Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you." - Psalm 39:4

Gratitude

pure

Sometimes I feel so blah when I leave work...
   ...i feel like it's dirtiness just sinks in and just leaves me longing for purity.
Today was one of those days...

As I was driving home, I felt the Lord placing this word in my heart... Pure. What does that mean?  How can I keep my way pure?  ...even in such a filthy world.

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word." - Psalm 119:9

I was reminded of the picture of these clear jewels that would make of the City of God in the Kingdom of Heaven.  When I came home I sat down at the piano, and was moved to play the song "Refiner's Fire".  As I played the song I was reminded that purity is not something that we just learn based off of habit or by rules we apply in our lives, but purity only happens when that which is not pure is burned away.  I feel as though purity and holiness lie hand in hand.  The Lord seems to be revealing to me that both happen with the process of sanctification. It is as we grow in the Lord and learn more and more to live by His word, and abide in Christ, and have daily lessons of the cross.  In these experiences, we learn of our failures, of the things we have not yet fully given up to God, we learn of our weakness, and we learn how to piece by piece let God take over all of our lives.  In doing this piece by piece we let the Lord purify us and let the cross deal with that which is not yet pure.  

I know for me... it's so easy to see my failure and right away just long for the complete purity and complete holiness and complete salvation to be a reality in me now.  But diamonds don't just come like pebbles on the beach.  They need intense pressure and heat and time even before they reach the earth's surface in order to become the hard clear gem that the world calls precious.

Yes, we all have days where we feel beaten and bruised from the world, sometimes dragged under... and sometimes just feel like we're not cut out to be a testimony of Christ.  But in these days... if we stop looking at ourselves...and we look to the Lord... and are willing to come to Him with a willing ear ready to learn, and surrender, and lay down who we are before ... no matter our number of failures.  In this He will find a useful vessel... and the struggle will not be in vain.

I found an incredible verse yesterday while reading through Job....
   "He delivers the afflicted by their affliction, and opens their ear by adversity" - Job 36:15    

...in difficult times, where we're faced with the filth of the world, and our own failures, may we learn to look to our Lord, and allow every struggle, every adversity... to open our ears to what He is trying to say to us, and what He is teaching us through it.
...In doing this we will learn the way of purity and holiness.

He is altogether different than me

I am reading through a book right now, called The School of Christ, by T. A. Sparks.  I was reading and rereading this one section in the beginning which talks about the "other-ness" of God.
"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD.
'For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"
-Isaiah 55:8-9

So often I think I can try and figure out how the Lord is going to works things out, but He has been reminding me and revealing to me that I cannot predict what is going to happen.  He is altogether different from me and His ways are not my ways.  A couple times recently I prayed for things and expected certain things to come of the prayers... thinking in this way it would lead me closer to Him... and God allowed the opposite to occur.  In my heart my intent was to draw nearer to the Lord, and to be undistracted by the stress of world and the temptations of the flesh.  But instead of making things easier, which I believed would help me draw nearer to Him, He made me face that which was even more difficult.
 ...which at first made me really frustrated.
          ...but in His wisdom through these things He brought me to a further place of desperation for my Lord, with a deeper longing for Him, and a heart that sought Him out more and more.
"in the anguish of childbirth, until Christ is formed in you" -Gal 6:19b

He truly longs for Christ to be formed in us.  For Christ to be fully revealed in us.  Crushing of my flesh and my soul must take place for this to become a reality.  I oftentimes think I know how God would make me into His image.  But in reality, I have not a clue, He is the master builder not I, He is the one working in me, not I.  He knows just the places that need chipping away at .. He knows just the times I need suffering to bring me back to Him, just the right amount of ache to keep me on my knees.
A brother once shared... "it is a good thing that this world is so terrible, otherwise we would grow too fond of it" ... the Lord beckons us; "Grow fond of Me..."


“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
    and backward, but I do not perceive him;
⁹ on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
    he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
¹⁰ But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold."
-Job 23:8-10

His ways are truly altogether different from mine... but they are indeed higher.  I do not know, but I pray he helps me trust His thoughts.  I do not see, but I pray that I can trust in Him to be my Vision.
I pray that whatever must me done to make me like Him, would be done.
May we have this heart as the Lord Jesus, "Not my will, but Thine be done".
Have Thine own way in us Lord, that You might be exalted in our lives and in your Church, that Christ might be formed in us.