some days like today ... i have this thirst within me that i think needs to be filled with friends or family ... or sleep... or good feelings. but at the end of the day.... i've realized it's just the Lord trying to draw me to Himself, and only sitting in His presence is what can satisfy me. ...something which it seems everything around me is fighting against. why is it so hard to sit before the Lord, and commune with Him as friend with friend?
sometimes i feel that my problem is loneliness, and i just need a buddy to solve my problems ... but sometimes even after spending a day speaking with hundreds of people... some of them close friends...i still feel lacking. today I just appreciated being alone.
...not just alone, but alone before God.
I thought it was just my introvertedness making a comeback, but honestly I think it's just the lack of true communing fellowship with my heavenly Father.
even in our fellowship this week, we talked about remembering that Jesus is a person, and that like any other person a relationship with Him needs to be cultivated. I pray that I would not view cultivating a relationship with my Lord Jesus as a chore, but as a blessed joy, and full of wonder, as in seeing just a glimpse of Him has changed my life, should I then become so dull and half-hearted??... and become satisfied with knowing just the smallest part of the fullness of God? May my prayer be to ever long to know more of my Lord.
I pray that this would be my prayer, as our brother prays:
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ name, Amen"
-Following Hard After God, The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer
The Father calls us to come and sit with Him. That we might know the depths of His love, and learn of His nature, and come to know His heart's desires. May we learn to sit with the Lord, and experience this great revelation of Himself, in the simplicity and likeness of a Father and child.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
surprises
so today, I finally got out around the lake, and was able to get some exercise in, which hasn't happened for awhile, so I was glad to, and was excited to try out my new minimalist running shoes, which were pretty fun... but definitely increased soreness to the calves afterwards :p.
After running for a bit, I grew pretty tired and out of breath, and I walked for a bit. the lake is always so pretty when the sun is out, and especially around sunset, so I stopped and walked a bit closer to the lake (further from the path) to stop and appreciate the beauty of some birds resting on the water, and the pretty scenery behind them. But just as I was about to try and take a picture, this huge bird came out of no where and startled all of the birds... and myself, I wasn't quick enough with the phone to capture the moment, all I saw was the glorious white head and tail of this eagle. He then swooped up and rested on a high branch nearby, and I could not help but follow him. Something about the bald eagle just captured me, and brought a smile to my face... and gave me a little hope. :)
After running for a bit, I grew pretty tired and out of breath, and I walked for a bit. the lake is always so pretty when the sun is out, and especially around sunset, so I stopped and walked a bit closer to the lake (further from the path) to stop and appreciate the beauty of some birds resting on the water, and the pretty scenery behind them. But just as I was about to try and take a picture, this huge bird came out of no where and startled all of the birds... and myself, I wasn't quick enough with the phone to capture the moment, all I saw was the glorious white head and tail of this eagle. He then swooped up and rested on a high branch nearby, and I could not help but follow him. Something about the bald eagle just captured me, and brought a smile to my face... and gave me a little hope. :)
When I started walking/running again, I pondered about this some, and I was reminded how some things in life are so unexpected... ....yet we cannot wait around for them to happen, because we may never know if or when they will. Our position should simply be to follow the Lord, and He may bring unexpected things that may surprise us in a good way or things may come up suddenly that discourage us. But either way, we must learn to live in the here and now, and trust that the Lord will always lead us into what is perfect, and that which will bring Him glory. And he has promised to never leave or forsake us. My life may change, and the unexpected may occur or not occur, but that is not for me to dwell on. I must learn to dwell always on my Lord, and not put hope in false expectations, but put my hope in Him, for He never changes, and loves us so dearly that He gave himself up.
thanks to a friend who reminded me of this verse after seeing this shot.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:30-31
Sunday, February 26, 2012
when i lose this life...
I was listening to a Chris Tomlin song on the way home and this line always seems to jump out at me... "if this life i lose i will follow you", in all it's heroicness (yea i think i made up that word), and it's implication that whatever happens in this life I will still follow the Lord. Which seems very much to be correct...
But the Lord seemed to speak to me in this... He was saying... it is not IF you lose this life, it is WHEN.
...it's not that I'm only here to bring you out of the pit when you fall into it, but my purpose in working in your life is to show you that you must lose it. So oftentimes i will let you sit in the pit for a while until you realize you need to let go of your life and submit.
I was in a hurry to bring some things in to a meeting tonight, and while i had my hands full, i accidentally dropped my keys in the front seat of my car after i had locked the doors from the inside... only to find out later when someone was trying to pull out from behind me that i was not going to be able to get into my car without some serious breaking in or AAA.
...this is not the first time this has happened. But the people pleasing side of me gets so frustrated with myself because i caused others inconvenience and i just hate making other people unhappy (which no one seemed to be really, but still the thought of it). So many times through the last few years there have been so many times where i've made stupid mistakes... like little things... just enough to drive me nuts... not so much the people around me... but it's like the Lord knows exactly what we need to break us of ourselves, and bring us to the point of letting our lives go.
I'm sooo consumed with the horizontal and so often forget the eternal... i focus on my own mistakes and my own capabilities instead of fixing my eyes upon Jesus. Of course I'm going to continue tripping unless i look up and look away to Jesus instead of on man. For my life is an offering unto Him and no one else, for I belong to Him.
if we are pursuing the Lord, we will all, at the end, lose our life... because in the end it will be all Christ, no ifs, ands, or buts, everything else will be consumed by fire. The question becomes then... how long will it take us to give it up and submit... are we going to keeping fighting it? Or are we going to submit and let the inevitable happen now, so that the Lord can bring more blessing through our lives, and let us be more useful to Him now!
Praise the Lord this is possible with the Lord's grace and a heart that cries "Lord make me willing!".
But the Lord seemed to speak to me in this... He was saying... it is not IF you lose this life, it is WHEN.
...it's not that I'm only here to bring you out of the pit when you fall into it, but my purpose in working in your life is to show you that you must lose it. So oftentimes i will let you sit in the pit for a while until you realize you need to let go of your life and submit.
I was in a hurry to bring some things in to a meeting tonight, and while i had my hands full, i accidentally dropped my keys in the front seat of my car after i had locked the doors from the inside... only to find out later when someone was trying to pull out from behind me that i was not going to be able to get into my car without some serious breaking in or AAA.
...this is not the first time this has happened. But the people pleasing side of me gets so frustrated with myself because i caused others inconvenience and i just hate making other people unhappy (which no one seemed to be really, but still the thought of it). So many times through the last few years there have been so many times where i've made stupid mistakes... like little things... just enough to drive me nuts... not so much the people around me... but it's like the Lord knows exactly what we need to break us of ourselves, and bring us to the point of letting our lives go.
I'm sooo consumed with the horizontal and so often forget the eternal... i focus on my own mistakes and my own capabilities instead of fixing my eyes upon Jesus. Of course I'm going to continue tripping unless i look up and look away to Jesus instead of on man. For my life is an offering unto Him and no one else, for I belong to Him.
if we are pursuing the Lord, we will all, at the end, lose our life... because in the end it will be all Christ, no ifs, ands, or buts, everything else will be consumed by fire. The question becomes then... how long will it take us to give it up and submit... are we going to keeping fighting it? Or are we going to submit and let the inevitable happen now, so that the Lord can bring more blessing through our lives, and let us be more useful to Him now!
Praise the Lord this is possible with the Lord's grace and a heart that cries "Lord make me willing!".
Monday, January 9, 2012
debridement of a wound.
i had a revelation this morning... it seemed to explain the craziness going on in my head and in my heart ... and in the church lately.
it seems that the Lord has been doing a great pruning in my heart and in His church, a very good, but very painful work.
I just went to a class about wound care the other day, and I was reminded of the painful process it is to debride and clean out a wound. Usually unless a patient has severe neuropathy to begin with (which often results in loss of feeling in that extremity), you would give someone pain medicine before cleaning the wound. sometimes cleaning out a wound needs surgery...
... the process being cutting away the dead tissue, and cleaning out all the excretions that could otherwise lead to a systemic (whole body) infection and just prevent the wound from healing.
...but when you clean out the wound ... and remove all of this excess matter, and all this dirt, and deadness... it gives the opportunity for new cells, and essentially new life to grow, that the wound may be healed, and the body may return to it's natural state.
anyone see where I'm going with this? Isn't it a beautiful analogy?
it feels like in my own life, the Lord is doing this purging work of the things that are not of Him, and in Church-life sometime we would get so discouraged... because there are less people, or is this lack of excitement for the Lord's way... but the Lord has really been showing me to lift up my head... and see this glorious work of debridement of the many wounds this world has given to the Church.
sometimes the Lord has to tear down to rebuild... see we built the church in the way we thought it should be... and then got discouraged cuz it wasn't working... and then we finally came to the Lord in desparation... and He's like ok, now I can work... but I gotta tear down this thing you built first, and do a purifying work among you. I need to clean out the junk... and bring you into holiness, because that is what is acceptable in My sight.
Praise the Lord!! He is working!! Let us not be discouraged! how he needs to rip our hearts out and replace them with His. dead tissue cannot be changed... it is dead and cannot be revived... it must be removed for new Life, in this case the Life of Jesus to be manifested in His church.
So Lord, do you work. We are willing. Purge the junk, and glorify Your name in our midst.
it seems that the Lord has been doing a great pruning in my heart and in His church, a very good, but very painful work.
I just went to a class about wound care the other day, and I was reminded of the painful process it is to debride and clean out a wound. Usually unless a patient has severe neuropathy to begin with (which often results in loss of feeling in that extremity), you would give someone pain medicine before cleaning the wound. sometimes cleaning out a wound needs surgery...
... the process being cutting away the dead tissue, and cleaning out all the excretions that could otherwise lead to a systemic (whole body) infection and just prevent the wound from healing.
...but when you clean out the wound ... and remove all of this excess matter, and all this dirt, and deadness... it gives the opportunity for new cells, and essentially new life to grow, that the wound may be healed, and the body may return to it's natural state.
anyone see where I'm going with this? Isn't it a beautiful analogy?
it feels like in my own life, the Lord is doing this purging work of the things that are not of Him, and in Church-life sometime we would get so discouraged... because there are less people, or is this lack of excitement for the Lord's way... but the Lord has really been showing me to lift up my head... and see this glorious work of debridement of the many wounds this world has given to the Church.
sometimes the Lord has to tear down to rebuild... see we built the church in the way we thought it should be... and then got discouraged cuz it wasn't working... and then we finally came to the Lord in desparation... and He's like ok, now I can work... but I gotta tear down this thing you built first, and do a purifying work among you. I need to clean out the junk... and bring you into holiness, because that is what is acceptable in My sight.
Praise the Lord!! He is working!! Let us not be discouraged! how he needs to rip our hearts out and replace them with His. dead tissue cannot be changed... it is dead and cannot be revived... it must be removed for new Life, in this case the Life of Jesus to be manifested in His church.
So Lord, do you work. We are willing. Purge the junk, and glorify Your name in our midst.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
what really matters?
there's something about unexpected events... and uncertainty ... and fear of the unknown.
it brings us running back to the Lord and clinging to His waist, like a child to his/her Father. It's in these times, that the time spent with the Lord seems so precious. It's like I don't want to be anywhere but sitting at the feet of my Lord digging in to His Word.
sometimes i am so unsure of what I really want in life. people ask me what specialty in nursing I want to end up in eventually, or where I would like to settle down... or how many kids I would want. honestly, I just want what the Lord wants. And I want to walk in His presence, and never leave His side. Wherever that leads is where I want to be. And it seems that most of the time, the Lord would leave future events clouded ... as if we are looking through the foggy glass...
does it really matter where we end up? what degree? what job we have? what house or car we have? what country we live in? how many children we have? how many friends we accumulate? how many numbers we have in our paycheck? does this really all matter??
but what really matters.... are we walking with the Lord? are we walking according to His will for us? Are we walking with our vision fixed on His kingdom?
That's what really matters. may we cling to our Lord, and delve into His Word, and walk closely by His side, leaning in His everlasting arms, trusting in His wisdom for each and every day.
it brings us running back to the Lord and clinging to His waist, like a child to his/her Father. It's in these times, that the time spent with the Lord seems so precious. It's like I don't want to be anywhere but sitting at the feet of my Lord digging in to His Word.
sometimes i am so unsure of what I really want in life. people ask me what specialty in nursing I want to end up in eventually, or where I would like to settle down... or how many kids I would want. honestly, I just want what the Lord wants. And I want to walk in His presence, and never leave His side. Wherever that leads is where I want to be. And it seems that most of the time, the Lord would leave future events clouded ... as if we are looking through the foggy glass...
does it really matter where we end up? what degree? what job we have? what house or car we have? what country we live in? how many children we have? how many friends we accumulate? how many numbers we have in our paycheck? does this really all matter??
but what really matters.... are we walking with the Lord? are we walking according to His will for us? Are we walking with our vision fixed on His kingdom?
That's what really matters. may we cling to our Lord, and delve into His Word, and walk closely by His side, leaning in His everlasting arms, trusting in His wisdom for each and every day.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Jesus loves me.
the song completes that line as "this i know, for the Bible tells me so"
... it's the knowing part that I often struggle with. yes, i "know" that Jesus loves me, infact, I share it with people often... yay (well maybe not as often as i should).
...however there's that part of me that climbs out of me time and time again that whispers... "you are not satisfied with your life... didn't Jesus say you would be satisfied?" .
... this hint of temptation... that causes me to look away from the Lord and at myself and my own circumstance ... and say "what the heck is wrong with me?!? how come everyone else seems to have it right but me?!" ... the funny thing being that we all have this very similar issue.
I know Jesus loves me, but my heart wavers to the part of believing this knowledge, because it's easy to be distracted and get caught up in thinking Jesus' love towards me should always come as a physical blessing.
I was listening to a sermon today, and the preacher said, "yes, I still believe that the Lord wants to bless us" ...or something to that extent.
..and it's like a light dawned. Suddenly, the Lord met me, and seemed to whisper in my heart "yes, I want to bless you, yes I love you, .....yes I bled, for you."
it's as if I'm looking everywhere for the blessing, when the One who gives it is an arm's length away. Why do i have to relearn this lesson so many times??
"once it was the blessing now it is the Lord..."
Our vision of blessing is so skewed too, we view blessing through the world's eyes, when every blessing that God gives, brings glory to Himself. Sometimes it might be something that seems so positive, a new child, a marriage, a job opening, or an opportunity for ministry in something you are so passionate for.... other times a blessing might be loneliness, poverty, or a seemingly daunting task that is way over your head. The positive times and the difficult times... are all positive in the Lord's eyes, because He uses each and every one of them to bring glory to Himself, but also to change us into the likeness of Christ.
... and you know what is so good about that? ... well there are a lot of things...
... but one thing is that as we become more like Christ, we learn to abide in Him more, and we become more satisfied, more full of joy, more focused and obedient, more willing to accomplish the task at hand whatever it may be, and more in love with our Lord.
I'm sick of being dissatisfied, cuz honestly it makes me feel like crap. and i go into the phases where i just feel like blah. so .... today I will look to my Lord.
I know that He loves me, that everything He has given to me, will benefit me, and the body of Christ, and lead me onward towards His kingdom. I know He loves me, so I will learn to trust Him in everything. Even if it means bearing with some difficult stuff sometimes... because He gave me His strength to bear it.
...and the meat of all of this really comes down to... am i willing to put aside the distractions i would give myself to ignore my issues... tv, iphone games, facebook, movies, random tasks to obsess over...
...and am I willing to face my sin, face the issues that I deal with every day, face the challenges and lay them before the cross and spending that time in prayer and fellowship with my Lord, cuz if my life is any testimony... that is what makes the difference.
if I am willing to be loved by the Lord, to take that time and chat with Him like a friend, if I am willing to let myself go free and be embraced my Father, and no longer enslaved to the world and its lusts...
... then there is One waiting to shower me with His love, to pour down His blessings .... to instruct me and help me, to walk beside me as a friend, a brother, a master.
He is a beautiful Lord. May we know the depths of His love, and be willing to take the time to experience it in our lives.
Will you let the Lord love you today?
... it's the knowing part that I often struggle with. yes, i "know" that Jesus loves me, infact, I share it with people often... yay (well maybe not as often as i should).
...however there's that part of me that climbs out of me time and time again that whispers... "you are not satisfied with your life... didn't Jesus say you would be satisfied?" .
... this hint of temptation... that causes me to look away from the Lord and at myself and my own circumstance ... and say "what the heck is wrong with me?!? how come everyone else seems to have it right but me?!" ... the funny thing being that we all have this very similar issue.
I know Jesus loves me, but my heart wavers to the part of believing this knowledge, because it's easy to be distracted and get caught up in thinking Jesus' love towards me should always come as a physical blessing.
I was listening to a sermon today, and the preacher said, "yes, I still believe that the Lord wants to bless us" ...or something to that extent.
..and it's like a light dawned. Suddenly, the Lord met me, and seemed to whisper in my heart "yes, I want to bless you, yes I love you, .....yes I bled, for you."
it's as if I'm looking everywhere for the blessing, when the One who gives it is an arm's length away. Why do i have to relearn this lesson so many times??
"once it was the blessing now it is the Lord..."
Our vision of blessing is so skewed too, we view blessing through the world's eyes, when every blessing that God gives, brings glory to Himself. Sometimes it might be something that seems so positive, a new child, a marriage, a job opening, or an opportunity for ministry in something you are so passionate for.... other times a blessing might be loneliness, poverty, or a seemingly daunting task that is way over your head. The positive times and the difficult times... are all positive in the Lord's eyes, because He uses each and every one of them to bring glory to Himself, but also to change us into the likeness of Christ.
... and you know what is so good about that? ... well there are a lot of things...
... but one thing is that as we become more like Christ, we learn to abide in Him more, and we become more satisfied, more full of joy, more focused and obedient, more willing to accomplish the task at hand whatever it may be, and more in love with our Lord.
I'm sick of being dissatisfied, cuz honestly it makes me feel like crap. and i go into the phases where i just feel like blah. so .... today I will look to my Lord.
I know that He loves me, that everything He has given to me, will benefit me, and the body of Christ, and lead me onward towards His kingdom. I know He loves me, so I will learn to trust Him in everything. Even if it means bearing with some difficult stuff sometimes... because He gave me His strength to bear it.
...and the meat of all of this really comes down to... am i willing to put aside the distractions i would give myself to ignore my issues... tv, iphone games, facebook, movies, random tasks to obsess over...
...and am I willing to face my sin, face the issues that I deal with every day, face the challenges and lay them before the cross and spending that time in prayer and fellowship with my Lord, cuz if my life is any testimony... that is what makes the difference.
if I am willing to be loved by the Lord, to take that time and chat with Him like a friend, if I am willing to let myself go free and be embraced my Father, and no longer enslaved to the world and its lusts...
... then there is One waiting to shower me with His love, to pour down His blessings .... to instruct me and help me, to walk beside me as a friend, a brother, a master.
He is a beautiful Lord. May we know the depths of His love, and be willing to take the time to experience it in our lives.
Will you let the Lord love you today?
Thursday, December 8, 2011
looking up... :)
there's something about looking horizontal that makes my heart grow cold and bitter. whether it's towards starvation in the Sudan that seems unnecessary with the world's wealth, or the game of politics that splashes the news night after night.... maybe it's the sickening fame that everyone seems to running after these days. ...or the false sense of "bliss" that comes with the holidays.... where the world tries to pretend through the media and advertisements, and a forced "spirit of giving" etc, etc ... that the world is alright after all.
...sorry not trying to dampen your spirit, just trying to be real.
not just looking at the world ... but at the Church ... at our friends, at our lives ... it's easy to get down.
...when we focus on the horizontal ... we focus on the temporary bliss, the temporary hurt, we get angry about little things, and depressed because things aren't going like the fairy tales promised they would. We judge, we compare, we obsess, and we digress into the black hole of self-absorption. It's no secret that this world is fading away... it's no secret that things are getting worse, ...and it's no secret that you and i don't look half as good as some of those made up chicks who's body parts are only half real.... ha. sorry. i just had to throw that in there to lighten things up some.
but friends. as a reminder to myself and to you.
...we do not belong here. it is not our home. may we not get fixated on the things that are temporal, for it will only bring sadness, dissatisfaction, frustration, and bitterness.
...but when we look to our Lord, not only do we have hope for a future, but we will know how to live today in His purpose, with joy and satisfaction, with peace, and graciousness, with sincerity in our love towards others, and a heart that is not afraid of being seen as "less than" or "foolish" by the world, because our God is great, and His promise is sure.
...and to make things even better... He promised that He would carry out what He began. So let us let go, and trust, that even in this crazy world, God is doing a mighty work.
May we look up and submit to His leading that we might walk in the peace and purpose that the Holy Spirit brings. :)
...sorry not trying to dampen your spirit, just trying to be real.
not just looking at the world ... but at the Church ... at our friends, at our lives ... it's easy to get down.
...when we focus on the horizontal ... we focus on the temporary bliss, the temporary hurt, we get angry about little things, and depressed because things aren't going like the fairy tales promised they would. We judge, we compare, we obsess, and we digress into the black hole of self-absorption. It's no secret that this world is fading away... it's no secret that things are getting worse, ...and it's no secret that you and i don't look half as good as some of those made up chicks who's body parts are only half real.... ha. sorry. i just had to throw that in there to lighten things up some.
but friends. as a reminder to myself and to you.
...we do not belong here. it is not our home. may we not get fixated on the things that are temporal, for it will only bring sadness, dissatisfaction, frustration, and bitterness.
...but when we look to our Lord, not only do we have hope for a future, but we will know how to live today in His purpose, with joy and satisfaction, with peace, and graciousness, with sincerity in our love towards others, and a heart that is not afraid of being seen as "less than" or "foolish" by the world, because our God is great, and His promise is sure.
...and to make things even better... He promised that He would carry out what He began. So let us let go, and trust, that even in this crazy world, God is doing a mighty work.
May we look up and submit to His leading that we might walk in the peace and purpose that the Holy Spirit brings. :)
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