Home.

(This is an entry I drafted about a month or 2 ago...)

My heart strings are pulled by so many places on the map... literally.  The miles racked on my frequent flier miles can prove that, especially in this last year.  While I can easily say that it's because my family is all over the place, I have been asking myself: Have I been travelling so much because I'm searching for home?

Lots of thoughts lately about what my future might hold.  What should I be doing?  At this point in life... many of my peers start thinking about settling down, finding a place called "home".  Where is my place?  What is my purpose in where I'm at?  Am I bearing fruit?  Am I wasting time?  What is it that God wants out of my life?

...the short and simple I always get back from the Lord is... "You, I want you, Jessica".  

I live in a pretty simple apartment that definitely has its flaws, working at a job with a schedule that is far less than perfect and has its own slew of challenges; family is across the country and so many unanswered questions about my life and the Lord's plan hanging in the balance.

...but what I have been finding more and more in these last few months, when I come into the Presence of the Lord...I am home, I am resting, I know He is Lord and Sovereign.

The human heart is hungry and searching and we think we can fulfill our deepest desires with the world, with human love, or even in "going to church" and being filled with emotional or even spiritual encouragement and "community".
In essence, every human is looking for home.  We're looking for a place where we belong.

I've had a really hard time with this in these last few years, feeling like I don't really know where I belong.  Wherever I go, I can fit in in some ways, but I always still feel somewhat of an outsider.  I keep thinking something is wrong?  Is it a problem with me? Maybe I'm in the wrong location? Should I go back to my hometown? Maybe I'm at the wrong job?  I started once again looking at self to find the answer, analyzing my life to see if it was really in line with God's plan.  And I found nothing to grasp onto, no answers, just more anxiety and more questions... trying to decipher some plan of action, but with no peace.

Thank the Lord that through some difficult circumstances and hard questions that were asked of me, I started to see that my focus was all wrong.  I realized once again, that I had to leave all worldly desires and selfish ambition behind.  I had to let go of "all I once held dear".  I had to choose to say "God I am yours, and am willing to go wherever and do what you ask of me".
I started praying for the Lord to be my vision, and praying that the Lord would show me His heart for the Church.  I started praying for His burden to be exposed in my heart and for Him to teach me the way I should go.

And it's funny that within the next week...I no longer felt lost, no longer felt like I had to run away to find a "home".  I no longer felt that I needed all the answers, because the Lord was teaching me once again to be satisfied in Him, in where He has me, in this little apartment and at this job, serving in His body.  I started to feel a sense of belonging and a desire to be truly invested in His work in His church.  Not because I made more close friends or because I had more things that made me happy... but because I found my dwelling place was in the Lord, my expectation was in Him alone and because of that I found peace and rest and joy.  Amazingly enough, it seemed as though I started to see a bit through His eyes, I started having this urge to initiate more fellowship and care for His children.  Finding a place of belonging was no longer based on the place I lived or the people I hung out with.  All that I needed came from the Lord and He is teaching me that I truly belong to Him.  I've been bought with a very great price.  And it's amazing how much more grateful one becomes in the Presence of the Lord...and how I could see once again just how very blessed I am.

I started expecting less of my situation, less of the people around me and came to the realization that there's not much I can even expect from myself.  ONLY when ALL my expectation lies in the Lord can I find rest, and then the Lord can use this weak vessel.  It is only when I let go of my own expectations and place them in Him that I also find true purpose in life, because I see less of what I want and am more open to what He wants and open to His vision.  Hallelujah, His grace continues to teach us in all things and sustains us on the way.  

“Upon God alone, O my soul, rest peacefully; for my expectation is from him” -Psalm 62:5 (Darby)